Countdown: Forty-Three

You may have noticed that I’ve taken over the Countdown review from our good friend, Doom DeLuise, who’s become so annoyed at comics (and this one in particular) that I don’t think he’ll be reading any more of DC’s big event. For now, then, I’m taking over. I suppose this is a bit of poetic justice, since DeLuise was the guy who picked up after I dropped 52 early in the game last year. That’s us Doomers, always helping each other out. So, until further notice (or I flake out again), I’m drawing Countdown duty.

Maybe I should call that Countdown doody, since that’s what this series is quickly turning into. But before I get all ranty, let’s go through what happens here:

They bury Bart. Heroes from around the eastern seaboard flock to Keystone City to drink Keystone Light… and mourn Bart Allen, aka that guy who was Flash for five minutes. Jimmy Olsen, who’s covering the event, thinks, “I don’t feel good about snapping images of people suffering.” Yeah, don’t we all just hate grief peddled as entertainment? I sure do.

The truly sad thing here is Bart’s videotaped death message. I don’t mean it was actually sad, I don’t give two hoots about Bart and never have. What’s sad is that his video just reinforced the negative stereotype we’ve all always had of the punk. “When Deathstroke shot me, like… I dunno, it just makes me think about when Troia and Omen were killed. Like, that could have be me then.” Ummm, yeah, way to leave a death message that’s vapid and has improper English!!!

The villains get… something. Those two sissy bad guys that helped take down Flash get taken down themselves, only it’s by VILLAINS!!! OMB!!! (That means “Oh, my butt”). Thanks to DC’s teasers, we know all of the bad guys are going to gang up again. Last time it was because they were scared of being mind-wiped (and because Alexander Luthor was playing them). This time it’s because they’re scared the heroes will really retaliate after Bart’s death. It’s just too similar to that big event that just happened.

The toothless trio bickers. The “good” Monitor, the zombie Robin and Donna Troy watch the funeral from afar and debate about going after Ray Palmer. After several, several pages, they decide to do so.

Palmer reveals his army. Mr. Monarch (really, shouldn’t his outfit be butterfly themed?) shows Forerunner his big army in what seems like a very “my ding-dong is huh-yuge!” kind of way. They’re in the Bleed, which I just read about on Wikipedia. Great to see a Warren Ellis creation is being used to make things not make sense. At the end of the issue, Monarch and Forerunner foreshadow that they’ll be going up against a mysterious “her” who is being used toward ruining various worlds. My guess: Granny Goodness.

Holly Robinson hot tubs. And she doesn’t even get naked. Like I’m going to believe that a former hooker is going to hot tub in a bikini in a palace where only women live? I don’t think so. I guess those allegations of treating female characters as sex toys has finally made an impact, and of course it’s in a completely ridiculous way. Sigh.

That aside, Holly, who is of quite boring background, basically does nothing except meets some fellow clothed women, one of whom is Harleen Quinzel. … Wait, that didn’t sound important. … one of whom is HARLEEN QUINZEL!!! Still doesn’t sound important? Huh. Maybe it’s because nobody gives a damn about Ms. Quinzel or Ms. Robinson. Someone should e-mail Paul Dini and tell him that.

And Jimmy Olsen grimaces. The guy does nothing all issue, then decides he’s going to become a hero (albeit for entirely logical reasons). Now, I think this storyline has been interesting, and Jimmy’s debut as a hero is going to be a make or break moment. Either it’s dumb and campy or it’s too out-of-character. Or maybe it works. Only time will tell. Err, only next issue will tell.

So, on to that rant. I’m going to go out on a limb and say that I’ve put a finger on what I don’t like about this series, beyond the aforementioned reliance on characters that I don’t like (quick note: it’s not like these are B-listers at the center of Countdown, like in 52. These are F-listers, at best). This series has no sense of urgency, scope or general plot. The only thing we’ve been given in Countdown is the warning that the Multiverse is doomed. Well, guess what, we’ve heard that a ba-jillion times. That’s esoteric, theoretical crap, since the warning isn’t coming from anyone. The Multiverse is always in trouble (except when it doesn’t exist). We need a real threat. Even Jack Kirby’s Fourth World insanity-fest had that (and Countdown, like it or not, is drawing heavily on the King’s work).

This book didn’t even sniff at the truly monumentous happening in DCU, the return of every villain in Sinestro Corps #1.

Also, we’re supposed to understand what the Monitors are so concerned about with the “universe-hopping.” Well, we don’t know who the Monitors really are, much less their motivations. We don’t know how people are universe-hopping, or how many are doing it. We haven’t had a second to stretch our feet in this new multiverse, yet the editorial staff at DC is treating us like we’ve all gotten to know it like a decade-old slipper. I, for one, am very confused. When Infinite Crisis was going on, I was intrigued. There’s a HUGE difference between the two.