How utterly fitting. In a series where absolutely nothing of importance happened over the course of fifty tedious issues, it is only fitting that the finale is similarly devoid of any points of interest.

Still, the series accomplished what it set out to accomplish, I suppose. They killed all of the New Gods, and they established the fact that there are fifty-two Monitors watching over each of the fifty-two universes of the Multiverse. They also made it so that Brother Eye is in hiding, with only one OMAC left at his disposal, which is a far cry from before the series, when Brother Eye was in hiding, with only one OMAC at his disposal. They also turned “Mary Damn Marvel” evil and changed Jason Todd from the ruthless, loner vigilante he used to be into the all-new and improved ruthless, loner vigilante that he is now. Holly Robinson and Harley Quinn and the Pied Piper were also dealt with; they went from being lost and purposeless to being…uh, purposeless and lost. Plus, some supervillains were rounded up and shipped off-world. Oh, and some universes died and were reborn.

Why have I been so critical of this series, then? Simple. The New Gods dying wasn’t really covered here; it had its own mini-series for that. The Monitors were established in Brave New World. Salvation Run took care of the missing supervillains story, and the Challengers never really did anything of note. Well, unless you count going from universe to universe for no reason, fighting big bug monsters, eventually heading to Apokolips, leaving, watching a dead but reborn earth die again, and then going home as “something of note.” Because if that’s the case, well, yeah, sure, I guess they did something. Hit the jump. (more…)

Every time I try to make sense of a rise in Countdown’s sales, it ends up being something artificial — a reporting glitch, a change in return policy, or something like that. So this month, I’m not even going to try to justify it. Countdown’s numbers rose slightly. Make of it what you will. The book is still selling way below what 52 did, and overall, it’s still declining.

If there is one success with Countdown, it is this: both titles had a huge jump in week 13, previously attributed to the return policy. Regardless, 52 returned to week 12 levels by week 36; Countdown was able to hold off returning to that previous low until week 40.

Sweet, merciful crap, it’s almost over.

Let me ask you an old question: If a tree falls in the woods, and nobody’s around to hear it, does it still make a sound? Now let me twist that question just a tad: If a direct Countdown tie-in features a major plot point months in advance to an issue of Countdown, do you think Countdown will acknowledge it or realize it happened? Let me ask it differently: Does the Pope shit on Countdown in the woods?

I’d usually pause at this point and say that we need to catch up to whatever happened in this issue, or whatever they’re passing off as happening in this issue, but I don’t know if you guys will be able to keep up this week. Take a deep breath to focus all of your energies on this following summation, so that you don’t have to re-read it. It may be worth re-reading; don’t get me wrong. That’s a judgment call that you’re going to have to make on your own, but here it is:

Jimmy Olsen, in the form of a giant-sized turtle, wrestles a giant-sized Darkseid, until a miniature-sized Ray Palmer destroys the soul catcher that was inside Jimmy (the one that has been housing all the souls/powers of the dead New Gods), after which point a Boom Tube opens up nearby, from which a non-dead Orion (who died in DONG #6), comes out to confront and eventually kill a now non-giant Darkseid. And then Orion also dies.

Let me sit here while that sinks in for a second.

Ladies and gentlemen, this is your second to last issue of Countdown to Final Crisis.

What was all of that talk, back in DONG #6, where Scott Free says how he felt Orion’s death through the Source Wall, something he couldn’t sense with the other dead New Gods, since Orion’s soul wasn’t stolen; rather, he died and returned to the Source, leaving only his helmet behind. Darkseid felt it too, reaching out from across the span of space, waxing poetic about how their joined story has finally ended. And then, later, at the end of the next issue, Darkseid is confronted by the now fully-reformed Source, at which point the Source notes that Darkseid has pulled something unexpected for their final clash in the upcoming conclusion to the DONG miniseries.

I mean, really, what was all of that? Somebody answer me, goddamnit. No explanation is given and none can be.

Here’s my prediction/prayer-list for the finale next week: Every last one of these characters is killed off, after which every writer and artist involved on this project resigns and goes off to sell auto-insurance somewhere far away.

There are three things I’ve learned in the past twenty-four hours. First, you can get across the border from Panama to Costa Rica with no outbound ticket documentation by giving the border guard a five dollar bill. Second, when a boat driver tells you he’s going to pick you up at a certain time, that’s not taking into account his forty-five minute-long coffee break. Third, not even several weeks in a sunny paradise can make me any more amiable toward Countdown to Final Crisis, the single worst comic book I’ve ever read from start to (almost) finish.

I’m still in Central America, so, off the bat, my apologies for the delayed recap. But, really, what have I missed since we last got caught up? The Great Disaster has come and gone, the Challengers returned to our Earth, and Mary Marvel got a whole lot sexier. Thankfully, Fin Fang Doom picked up the slack last week and I didn’t have to write three weeks worth of recaps; I think just this one will be plenty for now.

So, last Wednesday, Countdown. Three weeks, three issues left. What happened? I’ll give you three guesses, and the first two don’t count.

Nothing happened. Nothing ever happens. Oh, and, does everybody fully understand that The Great Disaster had ABSOLUTELY NO IMPACT ON ANYTHING? (more…)

In case anyone was wondering, yes, Mary Marvel does in fact have boobs. See? They’re right up there. Nice and big, so you can really get a sense of how her boobs define her character. Also of note: Mary’s left boob, the logical thinking one, is evil, while her right bood, the creative one, is good. Now that all of the boob-related concerns have been addressed, we can get down to business. (more…)

Everything that has been building up over the course of the counting down of the past ten months finally comes to a head in this issue, as the Great Disaster finally hits, devastating the entire universe, leaving millions dead, cities burning, and human-animal hybrids destroying whatever’s in their paths. And, let me tell you, for all the build, all the escalation, all the anticipation, there’s really only one sentence I need to fully encapsulate my reaction to this issue:

Boy, does it ever suck.

First, let’s dispense a quick summation before we jump into the logic behind the reasons why this issue is completely worthless. The story is told by Buddy Blanks’ narration; there is absolutely no dialogue in this issue. He’s a scientist at Cadmus on this alternate earth. Martian Manhunter still looks the way he did prior to Brave New World, and he’s still a part of the JLA. The morticoccus virus escapes Karate Kid’s body, and it spreads. Quickly. It infects people and turns them into wild animals, at which point they kill everybody around them, burn stuff, just, y’know, fuck as much shit up as possible.

The virus eventually spreads overseas, and the entire world is clueless as to how to stop it. Buddy decides to leave Cadmus and go find his family before they’re infected, at which point Una decides to go with him. She explains (through Buddy’s narration) that, since the virus was hosted in Karate Kid, and since disease prevention and medicine is so much more advanced in the time period that Karate Kid comes from (the 31st Century), that there’s no way we’ll be able to cure it, even if we spend the next ten centuries trying to develop a way to do it. The virus has already countered every possible threat to it, far into the future. Get it? Good.

At issue’s close, Green Lantern Hal Jordan from this earth heads to space to find help, unwittingly taking the virus with him. So, the whole universe is doomed! (more…)

If the competition for the year’s worst cover were held today, friends, you’ve got your winner right there. An expressionless Kyle Rayner throws up the weakest Green Lantern force field ever made, as Superman cracks down on it with an angry left hand (though he looks more constipated than angry), Wonder Woman shatters it with her lasso (much to the surprise of a Donna Troy with some serious blower’s cramps), and Batman does his own damage with … purple pills?

Add to that the fact that what you see there on that cover doesn’t even come close to happening within the actual issue, and I’d say even Michael Turner should be safe this year. Plus, if you’re going to put big bold words on the cover that read, “Challenging the Justice League!” and then not include anything even remotely resembling a challenge to anybody in the issue, well, fuck, I don’t know what to say to you.

Enough about the cover, though. What actually happens on the inside? Well, all our main characters are back on Earth (but which one?). Holly and Harley head back to Gotham, Jason leaves the group, and everybody else heads to the Hall of Justice. Once they get there, the Justice League says, “We don’t know you! Who are you people?” Superman then starts flying toward them, and Firestorm teleports them all away.

Once away, Holly and Harley magically show up, along with Jimmy Olsen, and they all say the same thing. Nobody here knows them. What could possibly be the explanation? If only they’d been spending the past year traveling through the Multiverse, maybe they would realize there are lots of Earths out there with slightly subtle differences and then possibly they could think of some sort of a clue!

The bulk of this issue, however, is spent with the heroes arguing, again. Una wants to save Karate Kid, but Ray says it’s going to be nearly impossible. They eventually go to Cadmus, and they argue some more, until some guy with little horns (named Dubbilex) shows up and says, that, though he’d like to help, Karate Kid is already dead.

It’s funny how the big cliffhanger last week was Ray Palmer saying that they now had to decide whether or not to kill Karate Kid, but then they don’t really decide anything this week; they just keep arguing the same bullshit. And, then, whoops, too late; Karate Kid’s dead. Take that, Ralph Macchio!

I’ve seriously been waiting for the past forty-four weeks to make a bad Ralph Macchio joke.

Man, this thing just keeps amping up more and more! I’m so excited to see what happens next that I can barely even oh wait no I’m not.

Well, would ya look at that cover? Is this the first Countdown appearance for Blue Beetle, Doctor Fate, Hal Jordan, Hawkman, and the Flash? Why, yes. Yes, it is. What an odd time to introduce them. Oh, wait, silly me; they’re not actually in this issue. They’re just on the cover. I’m getting ahead of myself.

In thinking of how to approach writing this blog entry, I started to feel bad about how negative my blogs about Countdown have become lately, so I decided to start this week off by pointing out at least one good thing about this issue. So, here goes nothing: They finally explain why Captain Atom went from being a hero at the end of the Captain Atom: Armageddon mini-series to the tyrant Monarch (aside from the fact that he was put in the armor at the end of Battle for Bludhaven). Aren’t you just dying to know what the answer is? Solomon the Monitor did it off-panel.

Bah.

Let’s move on. What happens this week? I need a beer.

Ok, starting over. What happens this week? The heroes argue. That’s pretty much it. Karate Kid’s infected, obviously, and Una wants to take him home, but Ray Palmer thinks that’s a bad idea, since it would unleash the Great Disaster. Seriously, she should just listen to that ominous name and realize that can’t be a good thing.

Also, Jimmy Olsen has arrived with the Biker Mice from Mars (only, instead of mice, they’re hippies, and instead of Mars, they’re from somewhere else), and he wants to confront Darkseid, but Donna Troy thinks that’s a bad idea.

Eventually, Solomon the Monitor gets sick of all this shit (like me!) and zaps the whole gang off Apokolips, back to Earth. Uh-oh, Spaghetti-O’s! Ok, actually, now that they’re back on Earth, the Great Disaster is going to hit, and it’s at that point that it will no longer make sense as to why they’ve stopped tying all of the other DC books in with Countdown. We’re facing one big clusterfuck over the next couple of months, I have a feeling.

That’s all that happens. I’m sick of wasting my time on this crap. Thankfully, it’s almost over.

Oh, and one last thing. Now that the cosmic chess game between Darkseid and Solomon is over, are they at least going to answer the question of what they were even playing for? Seems a lot was at stake for it to just be a game for kicks.

Wow, what a great week for comics. Marvel had two really near criminally kick-ass issues come out from their Icon line; Captain America and Daredevil continue to prove why Ed Brubaker is my favorite writer in the comics industry; Superman and Earth-Man took to fisticuffs in the super cool Action Comics; Grant Morrison’s Batman finally started making a little bit of sense; and the greatest comic book today shipped, with the latest and greatest issue of the Goddamn Batman hitting comic shops nationwide. Reading through my stack was more fun today than it has been in months.

Until I read that stupid goddamn dumb Countdown issue.

If you woke up this morning and said to yourself, “Man, you know what I could go for? OMACs swarming around unsuspecting heroes who are really afraid of the swarm in spite of the fact that OMACs have never and will not ever kill a single hero,” well, then, buddy, this issue is for you! For everyone else, you know what I’m talking about.

This issue opens with Pied Piper encountering an angry Desaad, who demands Piper play a song on his flute to open up the Anti-Life Equation, so that Desaad can use it to rule Apokolips. Apparently, Desaad’s been planning everything with Piper and Trickster up to this point, somehow guiding them along on their journey. Here I thought Darkseid was behind all the metaphysical moving around of people, but I guess Desaad wanted to take some claim of the nonsensical action, too. Good for him!

They get separated for a time, but reunite at the issue’s close, when Piper plays a song that makes Desaad’s head pop. Grody! (more…)

Holy smokes! I’m running a little late with the ol’ recap this week, but my exclamation is referring to the fact that this series is almost down to the single digits, and there still hasn’t been one good issue. This one is no different. It brings things closer to the end, sure, and brings several big “storylines” together, but it also commits two mistakes that seem to be staples of this series to date. First, the photo on the cover doesn’t have anything to do with what’s inside; and, second, one of the main plot points in this issue directly negates one of the biggest plot points of a different series that is supposedly taking place along the same timeline at the same time.

Awesome!

Let’s get right into it, shall we? Remember, everything is happening on Apokolips right now, so keep that in mind. Oh, and, remember, the theme this week is Crying. We start off with Mary and Holly and Harley, shooting stuff for reasons I don’t care to remember, eventually stumbling upon a giant burning door that apparently talks to Mary and tells her to say the magic word, even though she rejected Black Adam’s powers. She does, the door is broken, and the Gods are free (previously trapped by Granny Goodness, apparently). And they’ve given Mary Marvel her good powers back for freeing them. They then give Holly and Harley some powers and tell them to go kill Granny. (more…)