Book of Doom: The Flash: Fastest Man Alive #5

Wellsir, I just capped a twelve-pack, so I figure since it’s my duty this week, I’ve gotta say something about the Book of Doom for this week. I chose “The Flash: Fastest Man Alive,” since it has come to my attention that a lot of people quit reading it after the first issue. Don’t get me wrong; it’s been nowhere near good, but it’s the Flash, and he deserves our attention.

To begin our look at the issue, let’s turn to Fin Fang Doom:

The tagline for The Flash should really be “The Fastest Comic Alive.” Because it’s really fast-paced. Really, really fast-paced. And that is not a good thing. Who would have thought that in the age of Brian Michael Bendis and the decompressed storyline it was even possible to have a comic paced faster than it should be?

It seems like every scene in this book goes faster than it should. Cyborg reunites with his former teammate, who has been through some seriously big changes and they only talk for three pages? That could be a whole issue, right there. The writers allow just three pages for a dinner with the Garricks, discovering that his girlfriend has “left” him and Bart’s decision to officially don the red tights and fight crime? That’s easily half an issue. The Griffin discovers a way to harness Jay’s ability to remain youthful and four pages later has Jay kidnapped and has all the necessary high-tech (and not easily attainable) equipment to pull it off? That’s the sort of thing that should be a sub-plot and followed up on in a later story arc.

At times, the art seems to be ahead of the writing. The most notable point is on page 8, when Bart’s reluctant to suit up as the Flash in one panel because he thinks Jay can handle it alone and is suited up and running in the next panel before Joan even has the chance to convince him to help. It’s just bad storytelling.

The subplot with Bart’s kidnapped girlfriend and her electro-daddy is pretty cool, if for no other reason than Inertia is part of Deathstroke’s Titans East team that’s going to be appearing in Teen Titans pretty soon.

But the action is just bland. The old “hero turns evil because other hero invades his turf” story is tired, and has been done much better many times before (like in “Face the Face,” the first OYL Batman arc, or The Tick vs. The Tick). And I really don’t care for this grown-up Kid Flash. Bart Allen was such a fun character in Teen Titans that it’s a shame to see him all mopey now.

–Interesting. I’m too drunk to deal with all those grammatical errors, but I think I fixed most of them. Who wants another take? Here’s what Jim Doom has to say about it:

I can’t say I really liked anything in particular about this issue, nor did I really dislike anything in particular. Everything seemed acceptable. The art was okay, the story was good enough, and it was easy to follow.

However, I found myself enjoying this issue because something about it totally triggered a sentimental feeling for the late 80s and early 90s comics where comics storylines were really just kind of disposable serial adventures, and not everything had the undertone of “This is the most important and serious story ever.”

To analyze the events of this story, like Jay’s abduction and those folks from the future meddling, they should seem on the surface like they are serious and important events. But I know everything’s going to work out okay, and I’m sure every other reader does too, but this type of story seems to exist just for the fun of telling it. The feeling I had reading it was that this story’s purpose isn’t for the dramatic finale (although maybe it is) or the shocking revelation (maybe that too). It’s just for the fun of making and reading a superhero comic book.

–Wishy-washy? Could be. Can we blame him? Probably not. Let’s turn our attention to Jean-Claude Van Doom, since he’s usually the most level-headed of the group:

The newest incarnation of The Flash isn’t bad per se, given my single-issue glance at the series. But it’s also certainly not good. The most interesting thing I read between its covers was Dan Didio’s weekly letter on upcoming DC books.

From the art to the writing to the hero to the villain, The Flash #5 couldn’t have been more generic… and more unmemorable. I know that not everything can be Alan Moore (or, for that matter, even Mark Millar). But I am simply not willing to shell out $3 every month for an average comic. Unless it’s The Goon.

Maybe I would be more excited if I had some history with Bart or, heck, even Jay. But I don’t. The only flash I ever really read was Wally, but that may have had something to do with Geoff Johns.

On a tangent, Cyborg shows up early in the issue. And I’d thought this before, but with nothing to hold my attention I really started wondering what the deal is with Cyborg. I mean, it’s a guy wearing white tights. OK, yeah, he’s part robot, or whatever. But a black dude in white tights (and, for some reason he hasn’t changed them since the 1980s, though at least the Jheri Curl is gone) just doesn’t seem plausible.

–On that note, let me throw down and join the team. I think this issue sucked. I’m not gonna just sit on the fence like two of my buddies; I’m going to say that this series had best start going someplace real soon, or else my money is going to be spent on something more worth my while (like beer). I’ve been keeping up with the series, which is part of why I chose it for this week’s selection, but, seriously, nothing of note has actually happened yet, so why should I keep buying? It has nothing to do with the writing or the art or any of that nonsense. I’m just a huge fan of the Flash, and I want to know who the Flash is, if nothing else, and I want to know why. So, my advice to DC, as if they’d read it, is this: Give me the Flash. That’s all. You say the first Flash we see isn’t going to be the real one, well, then, give me the real one, and we can all sleep easy in our beds…er, shells. And if you can name that reference, I’ll buy you a beer.