Book of Doom: Final Crisis #3
Man, Final Crisis just isn’t going to get any better, is it? We’re about halfway through now, and the third issue was just as poorly paced and written as the first one. As you may have been able to tell from the past few days of posts, the other guys here have similar feelings.
So what are my biggest complaints?
“You. No longer. As in, employed at this outlet.”
Excuse me, Mr. Morrison, but absolutely no one on the face of the Earth talks like that. No, Buffy the Vampire Slayer doesn’t count as a person. Is all this “Monitor living as a mortal” stuff even necessary? I’m not a moron. I’m going to remember what’s happened four issues from now when the Mortal Monitor stuff starts to come into play. Don’t just throw a page of wasted space into every issue to remind me about the guy.
“It’s a little known fact that death can’t travel faster than the speed of light.”
Boy, that just doesn’t make any sense at all. So maybe that black skier guy can’t travel faster than the speed of light, but as far as I’m aware he’s only the grim reaper for the New Gods. But didn’t Barry Allen waste away into nothing during Crisis on Infinite Earths? Didn’t several people have visions of that happening? You can’t just say, “Barry Allen never died,” because he did. And I’ve got the sneaking suspicion that this isn’t going to turn out to be Barry anyway.
“I guess Superman has problems of his own, Jim. I have to stay with my wife.”
I never remember Superman being quite this selfish before. Superman’s not the kind of guy to choose his wife over millions of innocents. And can someone please explain to me how Superman’s heat vision could possibly be keeping Lois’ heart beating? Last time I checked, your nervous system doesn’t work by sending intense heat to your muscles to tell them what to do.
“Article X? The draft for superheroes?”
Ooh! A superhero draft! No one’s ever thought about doing that! It’s not like Marvel’s big crossover from 2007 wasn’t based on that same concept or anything. But aside from the unoriginality, the idea is ridiculous on its face.
If the world is being threatened by some cosmic supervillain, is there any superhero on the face of the Earth that wouldn’t automatically drop what they’re doing and organize to take down the bigger threat? No, there isn’t. All they’d have to do is ask and guys like Green Arrow, who’s obviously a little perturbed by this draft thing, would willingly line up to take on the big bad. These guys are heroes, they don’t need to be talked into doing the right thing.
“In the end, I couldn’t stand being wholesome and plain and boring one second longer.”
I can’t believe I’m going to say this, but thank god for Countdown. Without that craphole of a series, Wonder Woman’s tussle with Mary Marvel would have made absolutely no sense. Why is Mary suddenly clad in black leather with two pink pigtails and nothing else on the top of her head? Why is she working for Darkseid? Wasn’t she in a coma last time we saw her? That’s what we’d be thinking if it wasn’t for Countdown.
Man, you know you’ve hit rock bottom when Countdown was a sign of when comics were good. Let’s see what the rest of the legion has to say:
Jim Doom: “One thing’s for sure — I’m definitely getting my money’s worth out of Final Crisis.
I mean that from a money spent to time spent ratio. With a lot of comics, you read them once and then you’re done. But with Final Crisis, I’ve read each of these issues several times, trying to figure out — am I missing something? Or is this really as awful as it seems?
We open with an investigation by S.H.A.D.E., which I had never heard of. According to wikipedia, it’s a parody of S.H.I.E.L.D. Oh neat, Final Crisis is starring a parody creation apparently led by Frankenstein, one of Morrison’s Seven Soldiers. Frankenstein sees a pixelated hand writing in the air. He concludes it’s “a prophecy” even though it says “Know evil.” I realize prophecies are often vague, and maybe Morrison’s Frankenstein is a stupid monster too, but if “Know evil” is a prophecy, really, what isn’t?
Then some German lady falls out of the sky, and then the fast food serving Monitor gets fired.
Cut to a Flash’s living room, and Jay Garrick has apparently assembled all Flash family members, past and present, so he can explain what just happened. Even though he hasn’t told anyone what happened yet, Barry’s wife made sure to be there, you know, maybe just in case Jay saw Barry. (I bet she’s over there a lot.)
So Jay explains the situation as follows — he and Wally saw a window in time open up, heard the command to “Run,” and so they immediately started running alongside Barry. Barry was apparently chasing the bullet that went backwards through time, trying to stop it, but it was too late. The Black Racer was also following the bullet, but it looks like he was just there to claim Orion when Orion bought it (in the revised Final Crisis version of Orion’s death — not the Death of the New Gods version or the Countdown version, both of which also happened in 2008).
Upon failing to catch that magic bullet, the three Flashes decided to turn around and run back to the future, and that’s when Jay pooped out. He made it back to the present in order to tell his story, but for some reason completely beyond my understanding, Wally and Barry decided to keep running until 3 weeks from now.
Meanwhile, Libra was apparently given the keys to the stupid Super Friends hideout that the bad guys all use now. He slams a new anti-life helmet on the Human Flame’s head, apparently revealing that this slow-motion charade to gradually woo the Flame into Libra’s command was really only just to get that helmet on his head. Considering Libra was able to get the Martian Manhunter there in the boardroom for an assassination and wipe out the top floors of the Daily Planet, one wonders why he did the slow-burn wine-and-dine song-and-dance with The Human Flame if he just needed the loser to put on a new hat.
Now I realize Lex Luthor is in a tough spot, but really, if a guy walked up to me after concluding his weeks-long project to get the Human Flame to try on a new hat and then said “Renounce science, swear an oath on the Bible of Crime and pledge your service to the Master of All Evil,” I think I might be tempted to laugh.
So anyway, at Metropolis Memorial Hospital, Superman is sitting at Lois Lane’s bedside. I realize I stopped reading Countdown, but in that book, Jimmy Olson knew Clark Kent was Superman. I realize Grant Morrison didn’t write Countdown (or the issues of Superman that crossed over with it), so I’m not sure if that is just among the vast collection of Continuity That Doesn’t Matter To Morrison or if they explained that away as Countdown wrapped up. Either way, I thought Jimmy knew who Clark really was. In this book, he doesn’t.
What was funny though was that Clark says his heat vision is the only thing keeping Lois’s heart beating. He doesn’t even look at Jimmy while Jimmy talks to him and leaves. But then that lady monitor shows up in her fancy tight outfit, and Superman’s all “Huh?” and turns away from Lois. Ha ha, made you look! Oops, I guess Lois is dead!
Hal Jordan gets escorted away by Alpha Lanterns. He assures his friends, “Don’t worry about Earth: only Green Lanterns in or out now.” He was probably down the hall, out of earshot, when he remembered to add “Oh yeah, except for giant German-speaking ladies. They will still fall out of the sky.”
Other heroes start talking about the Article X draft. Oracle gets put in charge of that, and she utters a sentence that I have read about 30 times and still can’t understand (“They also serve who have a huge network of friends,” she says). Freddie the Marvel kid sits and mopes about how he’s all self-doubting and stuff, and ponders what seems to be a no-brainer —
“I was thinking I should just say my magic word and change to somebody stronger than me … and never come back. My other self never has the doubts I feel. He won’t stop until he’s brought Mary home and made everything okay.” Yes, I think that’s obvious. Is there something we are unaware of that makes this seem like a tough decision, as opposed to Freddie just being an idiot?
All these other heroes are answering the call — which apparently gets sent by snail-mail, since it’s so urgent, as they’re all holding a piece of paper. (Green Arrow acknowledges he does have a convenient JLA signal device, which they didn’t bother to use.)
I don’t read Supergirl, but it looks as if her hobby is to draw pictures of herself. Green Arrow and Black Canary are half undressed, since they’re liberals and liberals just have sleazy sex all the time.
And then poof — in what was probably supposed to be a great, dramatic moment, all the heroes have united to … figure out who killed Orion? Rescue the peacefully imprisoned Hal Jordan? Fight the evil gods that aren’t attacking? Hmm.
Meanwhile, the few people who actually seem to get to do things and be involved in action (a.k.a. “Characters Grant Morrison created”) are back in Japan in a runway battle with people wearing Anti-Life helmets. They fly away in the Super Young Team’s flying car and I don’t even want to think about this subplot anymore.
Wonder Woman, who apparently agreed to summon all of those superheroes so she could leave them and go out alone, goes to Blüdhaven accompanied by people inexplicably wearing medieval armor and riding giant Dalmatians. True, the “pony dogs” are explained to be “a direct result of Command-D research,” but give me a freaking break. They’re just giant dogs because people in medieval armor riding giant dogs are CRAZY and SO IMAGINATIVE. Save your tax dollars and either get a real pony or a bicycle.
A stupid fight between Wonder Woman and the now leather-clad / head-shaven Mary Marvel ensues, so that Wonder Woman could become ” a disease carrier,” the significance of which escapes me, because then a page later we learn that Mokkari has “sent an email to every single address on the planet earth.”
Apparently, this is a really bad email, because it opens itself! And it has a dangerous attachment! I hope to God that all the geeks who have ragged on Secret Invasion for Bendis’ supposed lack of understanding of how technology works will be equally as vicious with this idea that one person is going to have an email address list called “Everyone,” and that by sending this email to everyone, something bad will automatically happen.
I mean seriously, this is just so stupid. Let’s say I have the resources to engineer an auto-opening email that will do something super bad. Would I probably not have the intelligence to realize 1) not everyone uses email, 2) there are spam filters, and 3) with these types of resources and intelligence, surely I could do something far less convoluted and far more efficient.
So anyway, Jay and Wally decide to put on the brakes three weeks into the future. Considering it took them all that time to run about a day into the past, one would think that they would have a pretty good idea that they went too far the other way.
But the world is all messed up! And Final Crisis is taking a break so that other writers can do the job that Grant Morrison apparently didn’t want to do — fleshing out the story and making some effort to try to get it to fit in with the DC universe.
There’s no way around it — Final Crisis is really bad. I can’t believe how bad it is. On one hand, it’s written cryptically enough and with enough intertwining plot points that it begs you to think, but then it’s so riddled with logic holes and nonsense that it punishes you for thinking. I keep re-reading it, struggling to accept that it’s really as bad as it seems, but then I just keep hating it more and more each time.”
Doom DeLuise: “What more can I say that hasn’t already been said? It’s fairly obvious from the past few posts I’ve made that I can’t stand Final Crisis. Its brazen disregard for other continuity baffles me, and, yet, at the same time, I’m over it. I mean, this guy can’t even keep continuity together in two books he’s writing at the same time! What makes us think he’d pay attention to stuff other people write?
In Batman RIP, Batman’s currently trippin’ balls and being hunted down by the Black Glove. In Final Crisis, he’s being held captive at the Evil Factory. Oh, for the love of God, why didn’t somebody edit that shit out? The Evil Factory? Seriously? This is 2008. We’re adults. For crying out loud. Somebody should make a poll. What’s more patently ridiculous: The Evil Factory or the Super Young Team?
I’m not really talking about this issue, though, am I? I’m complaining about the entire series so far. So let’s talk about this issue. Fine, whatever, I’ll bite.
None of it makes any sense. And I’m not saying that because I’m too stupid to understand Grant Morrison’s “visionary” writing. I’m saying that because it’s nothing more than a bunch of freaked out gobbledygook. Half of it makes no sense and the other half makes perfect sense but is absolutely pointless.
I give up. This just isn’t any fun. It’s just so freakin’ bad that I don’t even want to review it anymore.
You know you’ve hit rock bottom when you become a shit-eating e mouth-breather at doomkompf and no one cares for your worthless reviews.
Get bit a truck, Mouthbreather.:roll::roll::roll::roll::roll::roll::roll::roll::roll::roll::roll::roll::roll::roll::roll::roll::roll::roll::roll::roll::roll::roll::roll::roll::roll::roll::roll::roll::roll::roll::roll::roll::roll::roll::roll::roll::roll::roll::roll::roll::roll::roll::roll::roll::roll::roll::roll::roll::roll::roll::roll::roll::roll::roll::roll::roll::roll::roll::roll::roll::roll::roll::roll::roll::roll::roll::roll::roll::roll::roll::roll::roll::roll::roll::roll::roll::roll::roll::roll::roll::roll::roll::roll::roll::roll::roll::roll::roll::roll::roll::roll::roll::roll::roll::roll::roll::roll::roll::roll::roll::roll::roll::roll::roll::roll::roll::roll::roll::roll::roll::roll::roll::roll::roll::roll::roll::roll::roll::roll::roll::roll::roll::roll::roll::roll::roll::roll::roll::roll::roll::roll::roll::roll::roll::roll::roll::roll::roll::roll::roll::roll::roll::roll::roll::roll::roll::roll::roll::roll::roll::roll::roll::roll::roll::roll::roll::roll::roll::roll::roll::roll::roll:
*hit
Well that’s just rude.
“They also serve” etc is a paraphrase of “They also serve who only stand and wait,” a quote from Milton’s “On His Blindness” about how Milton has a place and purpose in the world despite his condition.
“I was thinking I should just say my magic word and change to somebody stronger than me … and never come back. My other self never has the doubts I feel. He won’t stop until he’s brought Mary home and made everything okay.” Yes, I think that’s obvious. Is there something we are unaware of that makes this seem like a tough decision, as opposed to Freddie just being an idiot?
The way they’re currently written, aren’t Captain Marvel et al supposed to have different personalities and not just be “Billy Batson only now he’s big”? Not that Freddie is going to go all Kid Miracleman, but it’s still pretty creepy.
Green Arrow and Black Canary are half undressed, since they’re liberals and liberals just have sleazy sex all the time.
Or possibly because they’re newlyweds?
“Hal Jordan gets escorted away by Alpha Lanterns. He assures his friends, “Don’t worry about Earth: only Green Lanterns in or out now.” He was probably down the hall, out of earshot, when he remembered to add “Oh yeah, except for giant German-speaking ladies. They will still fall out of the sky.””
Yeah. If you’re German, you’re *not* going to be coming from another planet, are you? I get you don’t like the comic, but seriously, some snipes just make the reviewer look bad. That was one of them.
No offence, but signalling “Countdown” as “good” — compared to *anything* — means you’re just bitching for the sake of it. You hate FC, which is fair enough, but name-dropping “Countdown” just to make sure the rest of the world knows how bad you think FC is, no. Fail there.
(also, sleazy sex? They were getting out of bed and BC was wearing a lacy red bra. THAT’s “sleazy”? We’ve safely established you’re not ashamed to take nonsensical potshots for the sake of it, but really? That’s what you count as sleazy? Seriously?)
I’d just delete the comment from that first guy, he doesn’t seem to do much more than spend his days hunting for negative Final Crisis reviews so he can get all crybaby over it.
http://www.comicbookbin.com/Final_Crisis_003.html
Massive…levels…..of baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaw.
Also managed to get himself banned at CBR – his posts there must have been so poor they went and deleted them all, which takes some doing.
http://forums.comicbookresources.com/member.php?u=38140
If You can program a e-mail virus capable of warping people’s minds through their computer, I would think you could make a way to get around Spam filters.
I didn’t realize only English-speaking superheroes got to go to space. I didn’t realize the German ones had to stay within the atmosphere. It seems a little unfair, but now that you point it out, it does seem like a good policy.
Good point on that Apololiptian email filter-busting technology, Nobody. I guess that is a good plan after all! Except they won’t get my friend Alan. He hasn’t checked his email in 6 months.
So I’m just wondering — do you visitors like Final Crisis? I’ll be the first to admit, the “sleazy liberal sex” line was a poorly conceived attempt at making a self-deprecatory joke about the frustrations involved in trying to make sense if this crap. I notice several of you latching onto that and ignoring the dozen or so other paragraphs highlighting other nonsense from this issue. I can’t tell if you’re agreeing with the rest of the criticism, or so incapable of finding something good about this issue that you’re hoping criticism of the criticism will result in de facto praise.
As I said in my review, I’ve been trying to like this. I’ve been giving this series the benefit of the doubt, only to feel repeatedly punished as a reader for doing so. Now you can go ahead and pretend that we’re just sitting here holding our breath until we can hate on the next issue, but we know that’s not the case and I’m pretty sure you do too.
I can’t speak for any of my other co-reviewers, with whom I very often disagree, but I would love to read some actual defenses or rebuttals. Criticising the criticism just argues the criticism is bad; I would like to know why you think Final Crisis is good.
3 issues in and more nonsensical than anything else. This series just seems like an editorial breakdown–as in, failure on part of DC to coordinate this with any of the preceding series like countdown; failure to make Morrison-insistent on referencing Milton-do so in a way that any person could understand after several readings (by the way did ANYONE get that reference without first consulting the internet?)–basically failure for any of the editors to tell morrison that just because he has some zany idea doesn’t mean that it’s going to work or make any kind of sense. WTF
and btw, nbs_totg, your blog is WEAK SAUCE
How did Wonder Woman suddenly appear on Earth-whatever, where the Atomic Knights live? I don’t get it…
Is this the Wonder Woman native to that world? I am really confused by the way the characters jump around the new Multiverse.
Hey, I’m a liberal, and I *like* sleazy sex! 😈
I just don’t get to have it all the time… 🙁
I was linked here by a Newsarama blog post to the “Where Were You?” posters and I agree 100% about Final Crisis. (In fact, nbs_totg up there even commented on my [very brief] review of Final Crisis too! Only he called me “braindead” and accused me of having “Joe Q’s dick up my arse.”) Anyway, I’m done with Final Crisis. I got through the first three issues, Requiem, and the first issue of Rogue’s Revenge (which I actually liked), but I just can’t get into this book. It’s just bad.
“and btw, nbs_totg, your blog is WEAK SAUCE”
It’s even weaker sauce now, he deleted it.
@ Jim Doom
I disagree with your review and I think the reason other people who disagree with it don’t make a point by point rebuttal is that your criticisms are, “Morrison did this and I think it sucked.” Other than, “Morrison did this and I think it rocked” what is there to say?
Anyways, I’ll try my best to explain why I’ve enjoyed the crossover so far.
– Article X: You’re right, if there was a huge alien invasion superheroes wouldn’t need to be drafted. However the whole point of Final Crisis is that other then Orion dying, there’s no proof that there’s some sort of large scale invasion. Green Lantern and Wonder Woman suspect something is up so they’re getting prepared as quickly as possible. Wonder Woman leaves because Green Lantern is there and she wants to investigate.
– Mary Marvel: If Countdown didn’t happen I’d think, “Well at the end of the issue Wonderwoman, Batwoman, and two other female heroes have been transformed into Darkseid’s evil minions, he probably did the same thing to Mary Marvel first.” The reason why you don’t see it? Because Morrison wanted it to be a surprise that Darkseid had gotten to Mary Marvel and turned her. If anything Countdown ruined it by turning her evil BEFORE Final Crisis.
– Superman staying by Lois’ side: You see a man staying by his wife’s side as selfish? I see it as honoring his vows. Plus, other than the dead body of Orion THERE IS NO THREAT. What do you want Superman to do? The JLA is investigating the murder of Orion. The point of the first 3 issues has been there’s a threat but the heroes don’t know it. It’s not like the Justice League asked for his help and he refused. He wanted to be with his wife and since they don’t need him right now, they haven’t called him. (I’ll admit that the Heat Vision thing makes NO sense, but I just took it as Morrison adding some of his silver-age sensibilities to a “modern” story. Superman gains new powers and by next issue completely forgets he can do it)
-German Super-girl: Hal Jordan doesn’t know about her. The Question and SHADE picked her up. Plus when you see a human figure drop from the sky in a world populated by superheroes, you probably don’t think “She’s from outer space!” It’s been my assumption (I’ll admit I could be wrong), the reason why Final Crisis seems so choppy in the transitions is that all these things are suppose to be happening at once.
-Green Arrow and Black Canary: Now you’re just complaining to complain.
-Super-Girl’s Hobby: She’s 16. She’s designing new Super-girl Costumes.
-Oracle’s Line: Yeah, I can’t defend that, I had no clue what the hell she was saying. I kept reading it over and over trying to figure out how that was even suppose to be a sentence.
-Freddie Freeman: I don’t know a lot about the Marvel family so maybe that’s why I didn’t care. I just assumed Freddie Freeman was going to be to Final Crisis as Superboy was to Infinite Crisis. Sit around and whine even though you have awesome super powers. Boo Hoo.
-The Flashes: I don’t understand why Barry’s here. I’m hoping that will be explained in the next issue. My understanding was without the cosmic treadmill or whatever that Flash can’t control where he’s going to when he’s running through time. Again I don’t know that much about Flash, but I didn’t view them running into the future as being intentional.
I hope that helps you understand why I personally like the crossover so far.
edit: Ah not all the things I disagree with were by Jim Doom, I apologize. I followed a link here from the newsarama blog.
that sauce is so weak i wouldn’t put it on hot wings from a rubber chicken OH SNAP
okay…the flash did die. He came back, it says so in the book.
yes, the draft was unoriginal..they said it took place in the 40’s.They were gathered in reponse to problems in Bludhaven. A far as GA, wow a character has a reaction. I’m sure a fireman is always happy to woken up in the middle of the night. He may grumble but he still gets up. What’s the difference?
Evil Factory- really? you have characters named Dr. Doom and Mr. Sinister and character who’s real names are predictive of there chosen mode of crime (E.Nigma = Riddler) and this bothers you?
We don’t know anything about the German Lady. Maybe she tried to leave the planet and hit the force field? Or maybe she traveled via dimensions?
Grant didnt create Sonny Sumo or the current Miracle Man, and the Japanese team was barely used.
I’m fairly sure the giant dogs are echoes of the wardogs used on Apocolypse.
Just because you aren’t told why the disease given to WW is important right away doesn’t mean anything. Obviously some thing happened between when she was infected and the two week time jump where WW is a slave. Surely the next couple of issues will cover that.
I don’t understand your email arguement.
Dont see your point about Shazam.
Supergirl was drawing ideas for her costume. Your interpretation of the GA/BC scene is dumb.
I am probably one of the biggest DC defenders out there. I am also a person that loves Morrison for aiming for the fences with darn near every book he touches. However, when you swing for a grand slam every time, you’re also gonna’ strike out in fantastic fashion. (Damn, I don’t even like baseball).
I think this is Grant Morrison taking all his obsessions, love of DC colorful past, and do his best to bring it to the modern audience. The problem is that this form of storytelling just doesn’t work anymore. (Well, maybe it would if you followed the Kirby style and told all the strange and simultaneous moments happening within a couple of pages and not 3 issues).
Over in the Bat books, Morrison is drawing upon things from the 1950s era of Batman. (I only know this because of my Batman obsession and the fact that I own the first Greatest Batman Stories Ever Told, where the alien planet gets a mention).
If these first three issues of Final Crisis are indeed meant as some form of build-up, then they should have been published as such. I think all the editors, be it from laziness or higher edict, have simply dropped the ball. (I guessing they received little input). No writer, regardless of talent, should be allowed to run around a shared universe without a care for other titles. I think that is what we see with Grant Morrison. Didio wants to see a shake-up within the DC Universe so badly, that when Grant came with his over the top ideas, Didio gave him carte blanch. (IMO, I have ZERO proof).
It just doesn’t work that way.
I will probably give Final Crisis one more shot. Like others, I want to see what other writers and teams do with the “Evil Won” month.
Sadly, something tells me they’re just going to take their personal favorite moments from Zero Hour, Armageddon 2001, and that crappy one with the devil and go from there.
While that happens, I read Grant Morrison’s original Final Crisis… One he wrote many years ago… JLA: Rock of Ages! (Compare them, the similarities are freaky).
Whew, end rant.
Thank you guys.
Let me say, I QUITE enjoyed Grant Morrison’s JLA series. It really drew me back into mainstream comics.
However this… sucks. You know, it might have been pretty good, but Morrison has gained Protection from Editors (http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/ProtectionFromEditors) which this book has proven to only hurt him.
So thank you guys. Knowing at someone else out there hates this **** as much as I do is so therapeutic.
[…] I’m still being far more charitable than some critics. Consider “Jim Doom,” who wrote about issue three (emph. mine): With a lot of comics, you read them once and then you’re done. […]