Hey-o cinemaphiles. Most of the Doomers were asleep at the wheel (or in detox) and missed out on the latest comic book to film. Not I. With a trusty free pass (to another movie) in hand, I grinned and beared Fantastic Four 2, or FFRSS. My apologies for the double colon in the title above. And speaking of double colons, let me introduce this week’s special guest star:: Stan “The Man” Lee!
STAN LEE: I think I’ve had a very conservative life. Someone wants to do a movie of my life now and he’s writing a script, and I said to him, “What the hell could you do? I’ve never been arrested, I haven’t taken drugs, I’ve had the same wife for 54 years — where’s anything of interest to people?”
JCVD: Uhhh… Yeah, Stan. We’re here to talk about Fantastic Four numero dos, you know, the movie based on the comic book you created and wrote back in the day. Yeah, the one with the stretchy guy and the invisible lady and the rock creature. Okay, while you’re getting situated I’ll bring us up to speed. I haven’t seen the first Fantastic Four and I had pretty much nil expectations of this puppy. I was pretty surprised though that it was marginally decent, and definitely worth the $0 I spent. The story goes as such: Sue and Reed are trying to get hitched, but disasters keep coming up. On that note, here comes the mysterious Silver Surfer, who’s digging some mega holes in the ground and turning water to ice. So he’s like Jesus, except shiny and useless. They all fight, Dr. Doom shows up and does evil stuff, Galactus comes along, mega battle, roll credits. A pretty simple little popcorn flick, in my opinion. What’s your take?
LEE: Well, I had to wait for somebody to ask me. Tell me… I haven’t had any comments about it… What did you think? And be honest…
JCVD: Hey, Stan, don’t you remember the part where I just told you what I thought? It was all of five seconds ago. Seriously, did you like the movie?
LEE: Did you hear about my biography?
JCVD: (shakes head) Okay, I see this is getting me nowhere, so I’m going to ratchet things up with a pretty serious assessment. I liked FFRSS better than Spider-Man 3.
LEE: Wow. Maybe it’s because you’re a fan… How do you think the world will feel about it?
JCVD: Well, FFRSS made like $30 million less than Spidey 3 on the opening weekend, so I’d say the world disagrees with me. But I really think that…
LEE: You’re a glutton for punishment! Here you are, back again…
JCVD: Dude, don’t interrupt me! I know I’m supposed to have blind respect for you since you were alive before comic books existed, but that doesn’t mean you can be rude. So, if you’ll let me continue, I was saying that the big difference between FFRSS and Spidey 3 was the intent of the filmmakers. Both were big, dumb superhero flicks, but FFRSS was just supposed to be a big, dumb superhero flick. Spidey 3 had all these pretenses of high-mindedness, but it totally failed in achieving that level. I was able to enjoy FFRSS for what it was, while Spidey just left me wishing for what it could have been. And, even more, FFRSS relied much less on stupid coincidences for the plot to move along. Sure, there were unbelievable moments, but the plot wasn’t nonsensical.
LEE: So don’t you ever send anybody a check or something in appreciation? You just get half your vocabulary and accept it, you insensitive clod?!?!?
JCVD: What? Nonsensical? That’s not that big of a word. Besides, it’s not like you invented it. I mean, maybe if I said, “Me smash,” or used some ridiculously forced alliteration…
LEE: Simon & Schuster asked me to write an autobiography about a year ago, and I told them I didn’t have the time. I said, “I don’t have time.” We finally compromised, and they got a writer named George Mair — who had written Oprah Winfrey’s bio and some others. So we did it that way, and when I read what he had written, I realized I really wasn’t happy — even though he had done a good job. When you answer somebody’s questions, it’s not the same as if you yourself were writing it — it doesn’t have that flavor. So I rewrote just about everything he had quoted me as saying, so it’s almost an autobiography, actually. I call it a “Bioautography.” It goes on sale in a few days.
JCVD: Hey, here’s a thought. Maybe we talk about the freaking Fantastic Four for like five minutes (more…)