So the Justice League Sucks

About ten months ago now, the Justice League was given a new ongoing monthly series (or tri-monthly, for the first few issues), and it’s been a fairly unremarkable ten months. The first story-arc was focused on the Red Tornado and his quest for a human body. In the first issue, we had a decent set-up, with the Big Three examining photographs and deciding on the new team members. The same set-up was done over in the pages of the Justice Society of America. The only difference is, after the first issue, the JSA had all of its members falling in rank, while the JLA didn’t quite become a team until about the fifth or sixth issue. Oh, and I guess it’s 52’s fault that there was no explanation given for how they got Red Tornado’s android body in issue one or how Will Magnus had a fully functioning team of full-size Metal Men in the same issue. I don’t particularly care, either way.

The main problem I have is this: The final team sucks. Look at that photo up there. Look at all of those possible characters that could’ve been thrown in to the mix. Better yet, look at the original picture that DC released last summer. Now, imagine all of the possibilities you could come up with for a Grade-A whip-ass team. Now, instead, take the seven boringest, most worthless characters, toss in Superman, Batman, and Wonder Woman, and you have yourselves the current JLA.

Let’s go through these lousy members one by damn one:

Superman: He kind of has to be in the Justice League, otherwise they have zero street cred amongst the established supervillain cabal. Next!

Batman: Remember how he quit the Justice League after they mind-wiped him, and he was all, “There shouldn’t be such a consolidation of power, because it could easily get out of hand and shit?” Well, guess what? Apparently, they mind-wiped him again, because he doesn’t remember that. Either that, or he thinks he needs to be involved to keep everybody in check. Oh, yeah, but that’s what led to that Tower of Babel storyline, as well as that pesky little OMAC Project that almost destroyed the entire world. What the heck, he’s Batman, he does what he wants.

Wonder Woman: Remember how she snapped that one guy’s neck? Apparently, nobody else does. I imagine that if I lived as a normal everyday guy in the DCU, I’d be kind of freaked the fuck out if Wonder Woman was on the JLA. Just don’t leave her alone in that huge weapons closet in the Hall. Oh, and, even if you can argue your way around that, I win, because all I have to say is that she’s also a boring, stupid character. NEXT!

Green Lantern: Hal’s a decent pick. I would’ve preferred a different GL, but whatever. I like Hal. He belongs on the team.

Black Canary: So this is why they couldn’t put Green Arrow on the team? Afraid things would get awkward? I don’t know much about Black Canary, but I do know that she’s never done anything to get me interested. What are her powers anyway? She can pull off fishnets in the winter? Lame!

Hawkgirl: I can understand having one chick on the team so that it doesn’t seem like you’re pandering to comic book fanboy nerds, but, seriously, once the quota is filled, enough is enough. We don’t need five chicks in our number one super group!

Red Tornado: I think he has to be boring by default, since he’s an android and has no personality. It was kind of gross watching Solomon Grundy whip his ass all over the place, but, other than that, the Red Tornado story-arc was painfully boring. Almost as painful as the current Lightning Saga.

Vixen: Who?

Geo-Force: Seriously, I’m not kidding, who the fuck is this?

Red Arrow: Aw, well isn’t that cute. He changed his name so that he can feel like he’s taking part in some kind of legacy. Every super team needs a brash, arrogant twenty-something punk to act like he’s a big-shot, so, congrats on filling that spot, Arsenal. I’m not gonna stop calling you that. Do you think Red Arrow is sad that the nickname “Reddy” has already been given to Red Tornado? I complained that there are too many women on this team, so allow me to complain that, aesthetically speaking, there’s entirely too much red in these here ranks! I can’t tell when somebody is bleeding!

So, there’s the team. Where’s the Flash? Where’s the heavy hitter? Three of these people don’t even have super skills. That could be as many as five, but I’m not sure who Vixen and Geo-Force are (and I’ve been paying attention!), so they could very well not have powers and I wouldn’t know it.

From there, taking that pitiful team, it would take a masterful writer to really tell a solid story for the new League. Unfortunately, either Brad Meltzer is not a masterful writer, or he’s just been given a terrible team and cannot possibly do anything to make them interesting. It’s unfortunate, because the Justice League is supposed to be bad-ass. Instead, they were put through some silly story about Solomon Grundy wanting to switch bodies with something or other, and, believe me, not a lick of it made any sense. But then it was over, and in a split second, there appeared some Legion member from the future on a slab in Batman’s cave. How did he get there? I haven’t the FOGGIEST idea. He was just there, and Batman knew about it. From there, we were thrust into what has been the single stupidest, most confusing storyline I’ve read in years. Way to go, guys. What better way to make people care about all of the members of your team than by throwing them into a big mystery with two other teams? At this rate, with twenty-four characters running around spouting nonsense about stuff I’ve never heard of, I’ll never figure out who the hell Vixen is!

Thankfully, the Lightning Saga is coming to a close sometime soon, and we can hopefully become acquainted with these characters who I have never been given a reason to care about. Seriously, Vixen came in at the end of the Amazo fight, landed one blow, and now she’s on the team? Did she just drop out of the sky, and Batman saw her ass and said, “Face it…she’s got the goods?”

Too bad this series doesn’t.