Podcast of Doom: Episode 3 (transcript)

[SFX: Podcast of Doom theme music]

JIM DOOM: Hello and welcome to the latest installment of the Legion of Doom’s Podcast of Doom! I am your co-host, Jim Doom.

DOOM DeLUISE: And I am your other co-host, Doom DeLuise!

[SFX: Music fades out]

JD: Now Doom, first thing’s first — I want to plug our biggest Book of Doom yet, which is coming up this Saturday.

It’s actually literally the biggest because the team — and guest reviewer Aaron of geekinthecity.com — reviews two comics this week — Ultimates volume two #13 and All Star Batman and Robin the Boy Wonder #5.

To tease the listeners with what’s coming up this weekend, I kind of liked Assbar, but I’m not sure if I liked it for the right reasons or the wrong reasons.

DD: I’m pretty sure I liked it for the wrong reasons.

JD: I thought your review was really good though.

DD: Oh, thanks.

JD: It was one of the smartest-sounding comic reviews I’ve read, to be honest.

DD: Weird. I’m not doing anything differently. Jean-Claude Van Doom contacted me the other day after my Countdown review and said pretty much the same thing.

JD: Maybe the time away from the internet made you smarter.

[audience laughter]

JD: So you’ve got something to start us with this week, right Doom?

DD: That is correct. I printed out this article from Newsarama. (Transcriber’s note: here is a link)

JD: Ah thanks.

[papers shuffling]

DD: I’ve got this quote from Mike Marts, editor of Countdown: “That great action sequence from Calafiore [referring to the fight between Batman and Karate Kid in Countdown #50] is indeed ‘the fight’ from the JLA/JSA crossover. We hope readers enjoyed this subtle crossover.”

[laughter]

Subtle?

JD: Jesus! How could that have been any less subtle?

DD: If they had included editors notes, maybe?

[laughter]

But there’s more. “Yes, the sequence in #50 is a good example of how we’ll be handling interaction with other storyline sin the DCU…readers can expect similar scenes soon that involve both Teen Titans and Amazons Attack.” That’s a quote.

JD: That answers the question of how Paul Dini can write so much. He only has to write about 2/3 of the book – the rest will be lifted from other writers.

DD: Call me crazy, but I don’t want to read the same things again and again.

JD: Well then you’d better not read zombie comics.

[laughter]

DD: I learned my lesson on zombie comics. Have you seen the cover for Countdown #49?

JD: Nope.

DD: Well the Newsarama article has that too. Here, I printed it out for you. (Transcriber’s note: here’s a look)

It’s the big Monitor’s hand grabbing a fist of different heroes.

[paper shuffling]

JD: Oh yeah, I did see that.

DD: They tease it on Newsarama, with the editor of countdown saying, “Oh yeah, and who does that big hand on the cover to #49 belong to?”

This guy doesn’t think much of his fans.

JD: Wow, that’s just amazing. 52 seemed to almost have too much respect for fans at times, giving readers such a benefit of the doubt that they could handle subtlety and genuinely obscure clues. Those folks at Countdown clearly don’t understand subtlety, if that earlier example is any indication.

DD: What a shame.

JD: At least it’s only 2 issues in. Didn’t Jean-Claude Van Doom give up on 52 after only like 3 or 4 issues?

DD: Yeah. I think 3 was his final one. So maybe at Countdown #48, we can bring in Doominator or somebody to complete the run and I’ll write about indy comics.

[laughter]

JD: I guess my point was a little more like, “52 didn’t get off to a great start in some people’s eyes either.”

DD: Yeah, I got it. I was just kidding.

[laughter]

I really liked 52 at that point, though.

JD: I think I did too, but I really don’t remember. I think I was just determined to buy it all the way through because I didn’t want the shame of having a comic box with only some of them.

DD: The big problem is that if Countdown doesn’t pick up some steam, if it loses a lot of readership, whatever is being counted down to is going to have a pretty limp lead-in

JD: I sure hope it’s not another crisis. Did you read Justice League of America #9?

DD: The “middle crisis” line?

JD: Yeah.

DD: They shouldn’t have put that in there.

JD: If there’s another crisis, I want them to wait 20 more years.

DD: I don’t think they’ll throw another one in after just two years away from the idea. They should know better.

Speaking of knowing better, this is in an actual AP story from Cannes, France, describing the premise of Pamela Anderson’s new movie, Blonde and Blonder:

In “Blonde and Blonder,” Anderson co-stars with Denise Richards in what is being promoted as “Dumb & Dumber” meets “Legally Blonde.”

Maybe the stupidest line I’ve ever read.

JD: I wonder if they’ll just be naked the whole time.

DD: I just wonder who in their right mind said they could see Pamela Anderson and Denise Richards co-starring in a comedy. Those two have horrible comedic timing and are two of the most wooden actresses alive. I’m probably missing the point. I think you’ve got a much better idea of what should be going through my head than I do.

I hope they’re naked the whole time.

JD: I don’t really HOPE they are. Not like I’ll even see it, but those two are so plastic they’re gross. I just wonder if they will be.

DD: That might put some butts in seats.

Have you read the New Frontier books?

JD: If you had to cast Blonde and Blonder on the premise that the two lead actresses were going to just be naked all the time, who would you cast?

DD: Do they have to be real blondes, or can they be bleached, if necessary?

JD: They can be bleached. I believe the Jessica Alba precedent allows for anyone to play a blonde.

DD: Ok, first, I’d put in Stacey Kiebler.

JD: I was actually thinking that one too.

DD: Second, Jessica Biel.

JD: I don’t know about that, but I don’t have a good second choice.

DD: Here, I printed this out for you. (Trancriber’s note: the not safe for work image can be viewed here)

That’s all the reasoning I have.

JD: Well, that’s pretty good reasoning. I’d probably try to come up with someone who hasn’t showed off yet. But I remember when she did those photos and all the 7th Heaven controversy it caused.

DD:I was thinking Trish Stratus, but I didn’t want to pick two wrestlers.

JD: She’s so plastic looking too. Maybe I’d have Selma Hayek dye blonde. That would be funny.

DD: I was thinking of that. What about that chick from the Pirates of the Caribbean movies? Kiera Knightley.

JD: Yes, good choice. I bet a bunch of people would be saying Scarlet Johansen.

DD: Yuck.

JD: I’m with you.

DD: If I were at a bar, and she was just some other girl at the bar, I wouldn’t even think of hitting on her or staring at her lady parts. Oh, maybe Natalie Portman. No, wait, Kelly Kapowski ten years ago.

JD: What about that one Victoria’s Secret model that looks a little crosseyed?

DD: I don’t know who that is. The only one I’ve ever known is Heidi Klum.

JD: Alessandra Ambrosio. Here, I printed out the front page of her website for you. (Transcriber’s note: here is the front page of her website) Heidi Klum would be good too.

DD: She looks like a real bitch, this girl.

JD: We’re probably going to get a lot more hits on the website once we get the podcast transcribed, now that people searching for Alessandra Ambrosio might end up here. Hey look, we have a caller.

Hello caller, you’re on with the Podcast of Doom. What comic book topic would you like to discuss?

CALLER: I’d just like to vote for Alessandra Ambrosio also, and then my second choice is a tie between Stacy Keibler and Kiera Knightly.

JD: All right, sounds like we are representing our listeners well.

CALLER: I was also wondering if I can be in the movie too.

JD: Well, Doom DeLuise and I aren’t actually shooting –

DD: Go ahead and send some pictures of yourself to doomkopf dot com, and we’ll get back to you.

[audience cheers]

JD: Thanks for calling. Now, speaking of knowing better, did you get this week’s Action Comics?

DD: Yes I did. A Crisis of Faith! That’s the lesser known third Crisis.

[laughter]

JD: It’s one thing to exploit the Crisis title and font for a story that isn’t at all related to the big events that have come to be known as “Crisis” level events. But to use it to sell one of the worst stories I’ve read in recent history is pretty pathetic.

That’s crying wolf in blocky blue letters, man.

DD: You actually read that [beep]?

JD: What, did you buy it and not read it?

DD: I opened it up to the first page, glanced at it, and said, “Goddamn, that’s a lot of writing.” So, yeah, I still haven’t read it and probably won’t.

JD: Oh it’s so stupid. I hated last issue, so I think I just bought it to be a completist, or maybe I thought it’d go somewhere. The idea of Superman and religion in a story has potential, but I don’t think I’ve ever read such a preachy condemnation of preaching. It was downright insulting, and I hate that Superman, Lois and John and Martha Kent were used for Fabian Nicieza’s dimwitted sermon.

DD: That guy’s an asshole.

Oh, dude, Adriana Lima.

JD: That is a respectable choice.

DD: She’s a pouty bitch, but I wouldn’t mind seeing her naked for two hours.

JD: Can you think of any comics where the religion angle has been used well without being guilty of what it criticizes?

DD: I can’t think of many comics that have religion involved. I’m drawing a blank.

JD: Yeah me too. Maybe we will have some callers or listeners chime in and we can talk about it next time.

DD: Kingdom Come had a cool religion angle.

JD: I can’t think of any examples, but I think the problem with Nicieza’s run is the problem that so much religious commentary is guilty of – it condemns judgmentalism by being judgmental.

I remember that X-Men had some storyline years ago, something to do with Nightcrawler becoming a priest, but it was an evil church. Something like that. But it seems that it was dumb.

DD: No, that sounds awesome!

I just haven’t enjoyed the inclusion of faith issues in Superman and Action Comics over the past few months. Really, I don’t see the point. Bring back that story with the Phantom Zone already.

JD: Ok. But I liked that first Action comics fill-in.

DD: Yeah, I liked that one, too. Well, I’m gonna go have a cigarette. I’ll be right back.

[SFX: music begins]

JD: Well, that’s all the time we have for this episode –

DD: Wait for me, you son of a bitch!

JD: What? Sorry, can’t hear you over the music. Oh, and it looks like your microphone went out. Thanks for joining us on the Podcast of Doom! Now where’s that picture of Jessica Biel?

[SFX: music fade out]